: By Jude Bijou

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Give Up Expectations to Feel More Love

by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T., author of the book: Attitude Reconstruction

We all experience everyday annoyances with the people around us. What turns an irksome characteristic, situation, or event into a source of continued frustration?

Joan was a middle-aged athletic woman. She was really frustrated because her partner, Tom, would rather be on his computer than be outside. Every weekend was a battle to get Tom out of the house.

Joan realized that she needed to change how she was thinking and to somehow find a way to give up something she felt was very important – her expectation of having an athletic mate. It was her expectations, our “shoulds” that caused her aggravation and annoyance. Tom should be enthusiastic about playing in the great outdoors.

The Underlying Emotion?

If we dig deeper, the underlying emotion behind our frustration is anger. And that unexpressed anger has a way of coming out in in the form of unrealistic expectations, “shoulds,” a lack of accepting the reality, and a short temper.

How do you know if you suffer from expectations? Answer these questions:

Do you…

believe everything would be fine if others shared your brilliant views and completely agreed?
make negative judgments?
frequently feel disappointed, frustrated, and intolerant of others?
feel entitled to give unsolicited advice and opinions?
invalidate what you don’t accept or like, disguising anger with indifference, caustic tones, demeaning looks, and impatience?
focus on differences and feel separate?

The Price You Pay

You pay a steep price for your expectations. First, you create feelings of frustration in yourself. That’s not pleasant. Second, by resisting what you don’t like, believe, or want, you find yourself feeling judgmental. That’s doesn’t create loving feelings. Third, you alienate others by your demeanor. People don’t feel like they enjoy talking with you.

What’s the way to free ourselves of our expectations? Accept reality.

Acceptance doesn’t condone a given person or event, it brings peace and love. You’re not rolling over and giving up by accepting someone/something. Rather it reframes your understanding so you respect another’s view or ways as being as valid as yours. Then from a calm and loving place speak up and take action based on what’s true for you.

Four Ways to Rid Yourself of Expectations

1. Express your anger constructively.

Emotions are just pure sensations in our bodies. Emotion = E (energy) + motion. Expressing anger entails releasing that pent-up emotional energy in a safe place and a constructive way. Kick leaves in your yard, stomp through the house when no one is home, push against a doorjamb, or scream and shout into a pillow. If you use words, yell something like, “I feel SO frustrated!”

Actions such as these move the energy out of your body. Do it hard, fast and with abandon, and notice how afterwards you instantly feel calmer.

2. Accept that things aren’t the way you’d like them to be.

Joan was not enthusiastic about expressing her anger physically but was open to the idea of changing her thoughts. She needed to accept what is. The best way for her to do this was to remind herself, over and over, that: “Tom is the way he is, not the way I want him to be. I love him. He’s not me. Let Tom be Tom.”

It’s even more powerful if you repeat it to yourself out loud. Over and over, many times a day Joan told herself “Tom is the way he is, not the way I want him to be. I love him. He’s not me. Let Tom be Tom.”

After repeating these words with focus, Joan had a shift. Her acceptance statement became a fact instead of a platitude. By interrupting her old thinking and repeating these phrases over and over many times a day, Joan got that she needed to accept Tom for who he was and relish the activities they enjoyed doing together.

Joan also realized how it wasn’t just Tom who she didn’t accept, but actually most everyone. Her neighbor. The other drivers. The inept store clerk. Her kids. So she found she needed to repeat “People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be,” all throughout the day.

The benefits were real and amazing. She felt more loving and lighthearted. She appreciated what was good rather than what she didn’t like. Joan adjusted her expectation so they were more realistic. She enjoyed the fact others approached her more and she was having more meaningful conversations. And lastly, Joan found more ease and noticed she could face tough situations with a genuine smile.

Acceptance is not “I don’t believe it.” It’s “I’d better believe it because that is what happened.” It’s not “I accept him, but he’s obnoxious.” Acceptance is, “I accept him because that’s the way he is.” Period.

3. Accept what is and then decide what you need to say or do.

Acceptance of “what is” doesn’t mean being passive. First accept, and then figure out what, if anything, you need to say or do about the situation. You can look within your heart to decide what is necessary to honor yourself and all involved. Ask yourself, "What would be the highest / most loving thing to do?" "What will bring me more joy, love, and peace?" Become quiet and listen to your heart to what really resonates for you.

Maybe it's to remove yourself from the situation temporarily. Or maybe it's best to say nothing, or to take a stand, or focus on the positive, or initiate a discussion. Only you know what will help you feel resolved. You've got to ask yourself what action is necessary, and not rely on what others might suggest.

Joan had a great idea. The following weekend, she decided to ask Tom to teach her how to maneuver around social media sites. Working together on the computer led to a lot of laughter. After a while and much to Joan’s surprise, Tom suggested they walk to the pier and watch people fishing. They got out of the house.

If you decide you need to speak up after you accept what is, make sure the conversation is about what’s true for you, and not laced with finger-pointing, name calling, and generalizations about the other person’s character.

4. Count your blessings

Rather than believing the world should conform to our view, we have the ability to focus on other things, such as counting our blessings, enjoying the beautiful day, or marveling at what wonderful people we have in our lives. If you give up your expectations that things should be different than they are, you’ll enjoy more positive thinking and feel more loving and lighthearted. You’ll suspend your agenda for others, which sets the stage for more meaningful conversations and connections.

Whenever Joan’s frustration resurfaced, she just repeated, “Tom is the way she is, not the way I want him to be. Let Tom be Tom.” So even though she would like to have an athletic partner, she refocused on all the positive qualities that Tom possessed and found activities they could both enjoy doing together. And almost like magic, giving up her expectation and embracing acceptance allowed Joan to create a warmer, safer and more loving atmosphere with her husband and family.

How to Feel More Love

Make a list of everyone and everything you don’t like, don’t accept, or believe should be different. Then take the first item on list and personalize the generic statement “People and things are the way they are, not the way I think they should be,” such as “My father is the way he is, not the way I think he should be.” Repeat your statement until you really get it. Then go to next item and repeat this procedure.

Read through the list of Truths immediately below (preferably out loud) and write down one or two Truths that feel like they would be helpful for you.

* People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.

* My focus is myself.

* What he/she thinks of me is none of my business.

* He is doing the best he can. She did the best she could.

* I accept you no matter what.

* We are all on our own paths.

* Your viewpoints and needs are as important as mine.

* This is the way it is.

Say your chosen Truth night and day. When you repeat your phrases with focus and enthusiasm, your anger turns into amused acceptance. After repeating these words for a few minutes, it becomes a fact, instead of a big conflicting deal.

Acceptance does not mean passivity. First accept, and then speak up and act from a loving, centered place. Let go of your fantasy of how it should be, and accept what is, even though in your perfect world you'd do it differently.

Book by this Author: Attitude Reconstruction

Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life
by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.

With practical tools and real-life examples, this book can help you stop settling for sadness, anger, and fear, and infuse your life with joy, love, and peace.

Jude Bijou's comprehensive blueprint will teach you to: cope with family members' unsolicited advice, cure indecision with your intuition, deal with fear by expressing it physically, create closeness by truly talking and listening, improve your social life, increase staff morale in just five minutes a day, handle sarcasm by visualizing it flying by, carve out more time for yourself by clarifying your priorities, ask for a raise and get it, stop fighting via two easy steps, cure kids' tantrums constructively. You can integrate Attitude Reconstruction into your daily routine, regardless of your spiritual path, cultural background, age, or education.

For more info and/or to order this book, click here. Also available as a Kindle edition.

About the Author

Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), an educator in Santa Barbara, California and the author of Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.

In 1982, Jude launched a private psychotherapy practice and started working with individuals, couples, and groups. She also began teaching communication courses through Santa Barbara City College Adult Education.

Visit her website at AttitudeReconstruction.com/

Article Recap:

Expectations often lead to frustration, anger, and emotional distance, while acceptance fosters peace, love, and deeper connections. This article explores why expectations create suffering, how to let go of them, and how embracing reality can improve relationships and emotional well-being. By shifting your mindset and practicing acceptance, you can invite more love and happiness into your life.

#LetGo #SelfGrowth #PersonalTransformation #Acceptance #MindfulLiving #EmotionalFreedom #InnerPeace #RelationshipAdvice #LiveWithLove #OvercomingFrustration

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